To the Editors, Random House & Associates

To whom this interests.

Twilight, as I’m sure you are no doubt aware, is a highly successful series of novels about a young woman who must make one of life's most painful decisions: whether to give her precious flower to a sulky vampire, or an angry moon-puppy. It is a situation that most young women can relate to. These books are the reason I became a writer in the first place, and in the second place, a waiter. The series has spawned many imitations, and publishers such as yourself are now slathering to find the next big semi-adult, supernatural-forbidden-love franchise.

Below are my ideas. Please get in touch by phone or send me a fax.

IDEAS:

1. Phantasm of the Human Heart

Jenny, a young woman on the brink of sexual maturity is forced to move to a small mountain town where she has no friends (just the school janitor, Custer, who follows her everywhere.) She does meet another lonely outsider, Mark, who turns out to be a ghost. The pair fall in love, but are unable to consummate their relationship due to Mark’s nebulousness (which is a metaphor for all teenage boys.) Mark has the idea that he will inhabit other physical objects (table, lamp, draft-mule) and then Jenny can make out with them, but she’s not into it. Their love ends tragically one night when Mark is secretly watching her shave her legs and experiences a poltergasm which makes her house fall down.

2. The King of the Mountain Kings.

Tina, a young woman on the brink of sexual achievement is forced to go inside a mountain and live with a tribe of dwarfs -- for reasons I won’t go into. She has no friends; the dwarfs are surly and antisemitic. They have a lust for the ancient ‘black gold’ buried in the mountain and become angry when Tina points out that it is coal. On the precipice of despair, Tina sees that a tall, bearded stranger has arrived in town. When she asks about him she is told his name is Lord Sweathammer. She eventually discovers that her Lord is really one dwarf riding on another’s shoulders, but unfortunately not before the wedding.

3. Boy-Mummy.

I’m still sketching this one out and it obviously needs a better title. Mathilda is a young girl who is forced to go on holiday to Egypt with her archeologist, divorcee Dad. While wandering alone in a tomb she encounters a 4000-year-old teenaged Pharaoh, Max. Max is withdrawn, listless, unresponsive to Mathilda’s advances, and, on closer inspection, dead. When Clara asks a local wise man if anything can be done to revive the mysterious Max, the man replies, “Oh that’s just tourist shit. I will show you a resurrection.” Then it all goes a bit weird, and that’s when I wake up. Oh, I forgot to say this idea is based on a dream. 

4. The Mysterious One

Kylie, a young woman on the brink of sexual magnificence, goes into the witness protection program. She meets another lonely outsider, Josh. Josh is a mysterious boy: moody, sullen, brooding, and with a fiery temper. Kylie tries to get close to him, hoping to learn the terrible secret of who he really is. Vampire? Werewolf? or something even stranger? In the end it turns out he’s just a dick.