On Preventing Identity Theft

Identity Theft happens to 1 in 5 persons (though they are all basically dead to us now.) The common misconception about Identity Theft is that it will be like the movie The Net, starring Sandra Bullock. In reality, it is much, much more painful and expensive, like the movie Speed 2, starring Sandra Bullock.

Here are some tips for avoiding Identity Theft.

- If your bank gets in touch to ask for your account number and passwords, your wife’s maiden name, or photos of your infant children, first check to see if they have a proper logo. A real bank logo has a clean, elegant design, and seldom includes a clenched fist or necklace made from skulls. The address should be a real address and not include obviously made up locations like “Anywhere Street” or “Banking District.”

- It might surprise you to know that your baby has an identity. A Russian mobster called Anton Dubeke once stole the identity of a baby called Richard Hammond and spent a whole year living for free in one of Britain’s most prestigious daycare centers.

- Your fingerprints mock and betray you. Every time you handle a wine glass in a bar you are leaving a tiny piece of yourself behind. Wearing surgical gloves at all times doesn’t have to be a social liability. Many public figures do it: Keanu Reeves, Donald Trump, The Edge. And have you ever heard the name Billy Bob Thornton? Me neither, but apparently him too.

- The other day I got a message from an "Organisation" called “Worldwide Fund for Nature” asking me to help them save the “Endangered white rhino.” Rhinos are grey. Another group wanted money to stop the “Genocide” in the “Sudan.” It is a common ploy to make up a fictional country that is similar to your target’s first or last name. Beware of this kind of scam with your own name: Timor/Tim, Niger/Nigel, Chad/Chad, Uzbekistan/Rebeccastan.

- Identity Theft can even happen outside the Internet. Never let a mall cartoonist capture your image. And never let a man-whore take a Polaroid for his “Files.” There are no “Files,” just an old shoebox marked posterity/blackmails.