Please Judge a Book by its Cover: A Compendium of Popular Wisdom

“Don’t judge a book by its cover.”

Contrary to opinion, the cover is one of the best ways to judge a book. On the cover you’ll find the title, the author’s name, a short biography, selected quotations from prestigious journals (often,) and a concise description (or “blurb”) of the characters, story, and themes of the work. The cover even has a piece of art designed to graphically evoke the mood of the book. In short, a cover is an excellent way to judge a book.

NEW PROVERB: Judging a book by its cover is the third best way to judge a book, short of reading it, or skimming the review in the Times Literary Supplement.

“An eye for an eye leaves the world blind.”

It’s clear that if two combatants each lose an eye they will still be left with two functioning eyes. This is assuming that they each had two functioning eyes. If the combatants are both pirate captains, or Cyclopses, then yes, there is the possibility of total blindness. Perhaps this proverb is speaking metaphorically about the entire world, and the pointlessness of violence and retribution, but even then you’ve only removed one eye from each human, which wouldn’t make the world blind, though it would make driving more dangerous.

NEW PROVERB: An eye for an eye will not leave the world blind, though it may make it harder for the world to judge distances.

“Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.”

I beg to differ. If you go to the trouble of fooling me on consecutive occasions, perhaps inventing mysterious foolin’ machines, or stringing intricate webs of fallacy, until I’m lost, wandering in a mire of deception, not knowing which way is up or down, then still shame on you. I’m not here for your amusement. Get a life.

NEW PROVERB: Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on you again, dickwit.

“A penny saved is a penny gained.”

I’m no expert, but I don’t think you can just make a proverb by stating the same fact twice. “A sock in the drawer is a sock indeed.” It’s perfectly obvious that if I have a penny, I’ve gained a penny. We don’t need an aphorism.

NEW PROVERB: If you don’t have any good proverbs to say, don’t say proverbs at all.

“All's fair in love and war.”

We live in a more enlightened age, and recent events have taught us that techniques like waterboarding, and genital electrocution, are cruel, and probably the reason why 50% of marriages end in divorce.

NEW PROVERB: It is plain wrong to zap a man’s balls, even if he did snog your mate, and especially while he’s napping.

“Which came first, the chicken or the egg?”

It’s the egg. No, ssshhhh, don’t say anything, it’s egg, the answer is egg. The creature who would evolve to become the mighty chicken laid eggs. There were no chickens roaming around who suddenly learned to lay eggs.

NEW PROVERB: The egg came first. End of discussion.

“Better wed over the mixen than over the moor.”

A mixen is a compost heap or dung pile. Thus, this strange proverb means: “Better to marry someone who lives beyond the dung heap than beyond the hills, or, “Better to marry a neighbour than a stranger.” I suppose that’s true, though someone who lives in the next town might be preferable to someone who has chosen, for whatever reason, to live beside a gigantic pile of crap.

NEW PROVERB: It’s generally better to marry a neighbour, though you might set your sights higher than someone who lives beside the town’s communal septic mound, and also, you might want to check with his wife first.

“A blind man's wife needs no paint.”

I am going to go out on a limb and say that few wives require painting.

NEW PROVERB: Few wives require painting. If they do, paint in a well ventilated room and allow at least 6 hours for drying.

“The early bird catches the worm.”

Are there no worms around after 10? I like to sleep in. So shoot me.

NEW PROVERB: The early bird catches the worm, but don’t worry, it’s not the only worm. Enjoy your lie-in.

“Happy is the bride that the sun shines on.”

I was at my cousin’s wedding, and it was super hot, and the bride fainted and got duck shit on her dress, which is no good. Then a stray dog ran in and started licking itself. No one knew where to look, though mostly we all looked at the dog.

NEW PROVERB: Keep the bride out of the sun, and think twice about a riverside wedding in Hamilton.

“Imagine no possessions; it isn’t hard to do.”

Easy, I imagine, for those who have few possessions already. Harder, I would think, if you’re trying to imagine no possessions while hammering away on your magnificent ivory Steinway, in your palatial country estate, shortly before falling into the arms of your Japanese conceptual hoochie.

NEW PROVERB: He of the banquet should not preach of the bowl.

“A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they’ll never sit in.”

Actually, I quite like this one.