The King is Not Dead

An Imaginary Conversation with The King That Aligns Itself with Popular, Contemporary Conspiracy Theories.

AIDE
Ok, Elvis, we just need to go through this one more time so we can be absolutely clear. You’re saying, basically, that you would like us to help you to fake your own death.

ELVIS
That’s right.

AIDE
Ok. Just remind us why you want to do that.

ELVIS
I’m tired, baby. Tired of all the fame. All the attention. I just want to be left alone.

AIDE
Right. Because, you know, we did the TV special, we did the tours, the Vegas shows. We did all that stuff that you wanted us to do to put you back in the public eye. You got us to take you to visit the President.

ELVIS
President Nixon.

AIDE
Yeah.

ELVIS
Nice fella. Nice fella.

AIDE
Ok, so anyway, hypothetically, if we did help you to fake your own death, and bearing in mind that we do NOT support this idea in any way.

ELVIS
That’s cool.

AIDE
But if we did help you, you would be able to choose any means of death you like. I mean, the sky is the limit. Any kind of spectacular, heroic exit that you can reasonably conceive of—we can do that for you. Theoretically.

ELVIS
Sure.

AIDE
I mean, high speed race-car crash, jet explosion, zeppelin fire, rescuing a child from a burning building. You can die screwing yourself to death with eleven beauty queens if you want. We could arrange it so you appear to die while jumping over a shark tank on your motorcycle.

ELVIS
Sounds dangerous.

AIDE
(Heavy sigh.) Ok, so with all that in mind, taking into consideration that there are literally no limits on the way that you can appear to exit this world, tell us one more time how you’d like to go out.

ELVIS
Dead on a toilet.

AIDE
Dead on a toilet.

ELVIS
Dead on a toilet, baby.

AIDE
Right.

ELVIS
In my underwear.

AIDE
In your underwear. Ok. So out of all the heroic and spectacular deaths you could have, you would like to be remembered by history as a drugged, bloated corpse on a toilet.

ELVIS
That’s right. Corpse me baby! (Laughter)

AIDE
Ok, we … let’s come back to that issue. The other thing I’m having trouble coming to terms with is … you said that after you’re gone you want to … come back once in a while?

ELVIS
That’s right. Comeback specials.

AIDE
You want to reveal yourself to people?

ELVIS
Sure. That’d be cool.

AIDE
Even though you’re supposed to be dead?

ELVIS
On the toilet.

AIDE
Ok, and where did you imagine these appearances happening? Churches, hospitals, mountain tops?

ELVIS
Malls.

AIDE
Beg pardon?

ELVIS
Malls, I want to appear in malls, 7/Elevens, Dairy Queens.

AIDE
(Heavy sigh.) Ok Let me just … I mean … (Heavy sigh.) We’ve done a lot of crazy shit for you. I mean, man alive, the stuff we’ve done. Do you do know how foolish it is to fake your own death? That’s crazy enough. But then to start “materializing” in restaurants and convenience stores. Just walking into a mall there and wandering around. I mean, that’s just so mind-blowingly reckless …

ELVIS
And on crackers.

AIDE
I’m sorry, what?

ELVIS
I want people to see my face on crackers. I want people to open up boxes of Saltines and there’s old Elvis, smiling back at them. Hey, Davy, any chance you can get me some of them Saltines, maybe with some shaved ham, and some of that cheese I like, what’s it called?

DAVY
Gruyere?

AIDE
Ok, I’m just having a real problem getting my head around all this. Basically, you just had your big come-back. The whole damn world loves you again. We did Aloha Hawaii. 1.5 billion people saw that!

ELVIS
Phooooweeeee!

AIDE
Yeah. Now you want us to arrange for it to appear as if you’ve died of an overdose on the toilet. You want us to fly you to a secret island, an island which you want to call … ?

ELVIS
Qualudia.

AIDE
Qualudia. But you also want us to fly you back occasionally so that you can make appearances in convenience stalls, fast-food restaurants, and suburban malls.

ELVIS
Yeah.

AIDE
And to top it all off you want us to infiltrate a snack-food manufacturer and arrange for your face to be secretly printed on a small number of crackers.

ELVIS
That is correct.

AIDE
Colonel, I'm speechless. What the hell do you make of all this?

COLONEL
Boy, I think you’re madder than a sack full of raccoons in a bath full of snakes.

ELVIS
Thank you very much.