HETEROPODA DAVID BOWIE: FACTS

I wish I was David Bowie, then I would get the maximum quota of respect, and men would invite me to have the sex with their wives while they watched (an offer I would decline with a knowing smile that seems to say, “I’ve been down that road, man. It was a blast, sure, but I’m married to four beautiful women now.”) Doe-eyed girls would ask me to do that thing where I twirl my balls in my fingers, and I would again smile knowingly as I said, “That wasn’t me, man. There was a small man in my robes who twirled my balls for me. True fact. Do you want me to sign those?”

FACTS:

David Bowie was born David Robert Jones in Brixton, London, on 8 Jan 1947. He shares the same birthday as Elvis. Rock guitarist Peter Frampton was Bowie's friend at school. David’s right pupil became permanently dilated when his friend George Underwood punched him in it. They were fighting over a girl. He changed his name to Bowie to avoid confusion with Monkee Davy Jones, who’d twice attempted to steal his soul. At the age of 17, Bowie was interviewed on a BBC programme as the founder of The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Long-haired Men. Bowie's first hit - 1969's Space Oddity - was used by the BBC in its coverage of the moon landing. Bowie was hit in the eye by a lollipop while on stage in Oslo, Norway in 2004. George Underwood became the main suspect, but he had an alibi, saying, “I couldn’t have thrown a lollipop that far from where I was standing,” to which the charging officer replied, “We didn’t even mention a lollipop, did we Noel?”

David is 5 feet and 10 inches (178cm) tall. David lives in London, just like me, though he won’t return my post. David recorded a version of Space Oddity in Italian titled Ragazzo Solo, Ragazza Solo - which literally means Lonely Boy, Lonely Girl. He has been in 10 bands - The Konrads, The Hooker Brothers, The King Bees, The Manish Boys, The Lower Third, The Buzz, The Riot Squad, The Hype, Tin Machine and Tao Jones Index. There’s a spider named after David Bowie. The spider is described as being large, yellow and hairy. David Bowie has enough poison in his sack to kill an adult male, but his mandibles are very weak.

The Space Oddity 40th anniversary edition was released in the US this month.

www.davidbowie.com