The Butterscotch Bandits

I have had a leg pain for a while now from trying to do the forbidden dance with a four-foot nougat Santa. (long story: I was drunk.) Now whenever it rains I get a pain in my leg, and whenever it stops raining the pain switches to the other leg. This pain is most acute during sex (which happened once.) What would happen during sex in the rain? I hate to think.

I have gone to various experts and body mechanics such as a regular doctor (who advised me to get a surgery,) and a country doctor (who said I should get kicked in the legs by a mule.) The best result I had was from a local witch doctor who took me into his hut and performed certain (I presume) ancient rituals. He lit candles and put on some nice music and we smoked his pipe and watched X Factor. That’s when I noticed that whenever Jedward (The Butterscotch Bandits) were performing my leg pain would almost completely disappear! (His neck-rubs also helped.) I was amazed, and even though through the night he performed a lot of other rituals on me (some which made me feel uncomfortable,) the one that worked the most was when I was watching the Butterscotch Bandits perform Under Pressure, by David Bowie and also Queen.

Well, since BB got their sweet little asses kicked off the show my leg-pain has returned. My witch doctor never called me for a follow up consultation and when I went back to his hut and rang the bell the lady there said he’d moved to Norwich (Norwich — Nor-witch?) and all his witch doctor stuff (oils, albums, rubber wands,) had all been boxed up ready to go.

I don’t know what to do now.

In Pain.

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Dear In Pain

Life is pain. Pain is life. I wonder if you’ve learned a valuable lesson about the consequences of dealing with charlatans. My friend, the Prince of Nigeria, still owes me $7 million, but I know he's good for it, I have his email picture. I love the Buterscotch Bandits, too! Ha ha!

Louis Walsh.