This site, says long time reader Sophie from St Augustine Hospital, Dartmouth, is unquestionably the greatest website ever, but it should contain more facts to help us live our lives, and configure our realities. But what are facts, Sophie? Can we really rely on what the media tells us? Certain truths that I hold dear—that the first draft of the Declaration of Independence was written on a sleeping Thomas Jefferson’s nut-sack and was titled ‘FREE US!’; that Euro Disney is built upon a reservoir of Nazi erotica; that the Vatican City once sent a lone pole vaulter to the special Olympics; that restraining orders meant that the relationship between Madonna and Sean Penn was carried out almost entirely by fax; that the Inuit have a hundred words for “Lonely”, and 180 for “Frostbite”; that Nostrodamus predicted the current trouble in Iran in the form of the script for the movie Breakin’ 2, Electric Boogaloo—might not be your truths. But they are certainly mine, and I hold them to be self-evident.
Thomas Aquinas said in his Disputed Questions on Truth: “A natural thing, being placed between two intellects, is called true insofar as it conforms to either. It is said to be true with respect to its conformity with the divine intellect insofar as it fulfils the end to which it was ordained by the divine intellect.”
Philosopher Kitaro Nishida, meanwhile, said: "knowledge of things in the world begins with the differentiation of unitary consciousness into knower and known and ends with self and things becoming one again. Such unification takes form not only in knowing but in the valuing (of truth) that directs knowing, the willing that directs action, and the feeling or emotive reach that directs sensing."
Philosopher and theologian Joseph Ratzinger, a man who you might know by his alias, The Pope, feels that truth is the outcome of a relationship between objects. In his book Truth and Tolerance, Ratzinger affirmed that truth and love are identical.
Here are some real true facts about the Pope:
The current Pope has a muscleman side-kick, Tronk, who performs lesser miracles, such as opening difficult jars.
Pope Benedict IV was actually two small Popes who rode on each other’s shoulders. The ruse was only uncovered when a Monsignor heard the Pope’s crotch sneeze.
In 1986 the Pope sulked for 9 days because he couldn’t make a jukebox run by hitting it with his fist. His aides had to make him a special jukebox, and buy him a leather jacket.
The Pope is so rich that he once tried to purchase the Hubble telescope so he could see if God has a nicer house than him.
The Pope is afraid of only two things: the dread manifestation of Beelzebub, lord of the flies, and the Hamburgler.
When Pope Paul IV’s bucket list got out he had to say it was a list of new sins. That’s how threesomes and monkey fights got banned.
The lesser known Pope Dusty was a musical Pope. He used to wander the halls a strummin’ and a singin’. Folks all hated that ol’ damned singin’ Pope.
During a near-death experience the Pope found himself in a twilight realm called Burgurtory where he was chased by the Hamburgler.
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