The Virus

It came to MIT in the middle of the night while the students were sleeping, it moved from room to room, examining objects, a pair of glasses, a retainer, a cube-shaped puzzle of some kind. It gazed upon the students while they slept, it gently stroked their thick hair, their luxurious moustaches. So peaceful. So peaceful. Then, it got to work. Soon the world would know its name, would know its power. Fortunately the students were safe; their computers weren’t. The virus, if you could call it a virus, was like a virus, it was everywhere … and nowhere. It was both those things.

What this clip demonstrates, apart from the importance of inoculating ourselves against the growing menace of computer viruses, is the urgent need for the creation of a TV show called Mark Eichin: Virus Hunter, the story of a seemingly ordinary computer student who by night hunts viruses, aided only by his enormous brain, and his robo-dog sidekick, IQ.

Tomorrow's World

The Internet is a confusing realm and many people have questions about it: What is it? What is it made from? If I give it my credit card details does it become me? Is it true that I can destroy it only by entering its secret name into Google and hitting "I'm feeling lucky"? There are answers to all these questions, but I wouldn’t want to bore you. The video below might help. Unfortunately, what the internet is today will be gone tomorrow, and the incredible tools you see here will soon be redundant. What amazing features will the web gift us in the future? Holographic food for the needy? Nano-porn? Recipes? Special software that detects Internet pirates and dispatches swarms of robot hell-wasps to sting them to death? Undoubtedly, yes.

Why I Love Japan Big Fun

What makes a great public service message? Well, it should be non-hysterical, presented in a way that doesn't incite alarm amongst the populace. It should outline its central idea clearly, following it up with a series of simple steps that the citizenry can implement. It should be non-partisan and treat all people equally. If the message is going to hark back to a time when things were better, it should give sound reasons for a return to old values. Also, everyone should be dancing, even livestock.

I love Japan so much that sometimes it hurts.

An Apology

I want to apologise to subscribers and regular visitors for not updating my site. Want to apologise, but can’t. The truth is my priorities have been elsewhere. I have been very busy helping a Nigerian investment firm with a transaction that should ensure my financial independence from “The man” and “The man’s wife”. That should go through this week. Then there’s my letter-writing campaign to the dozens of movies, television shows, and hit musicals that have stolen my ideas. Then there’s actually writing things, which can sometimes take up an entire morning. Then there’s all the book signings and literary award ceremonies that I have to attend in my mind. I just want to warn you that you are about to be drowned in such a Tsunami of web-only content that you will want to personally come around to my house and smash me in the face. Only, where am I? That’s the question.

London’s Burning

I’m in London. I was lucky enough to arrive in time see the local economy collapse like a house constructed of cards that are also coated in a poisonous nerve-toxin, so that when you try to build the house again, you die horribly. Canary Wharf burns like a sun in the distance, turning night into unquenchable daylight. Traders, naked save for crude loincloths stapled together from charred office supplies, dance on the roofs of skyscrapers while holding signs written in their own blood, or perhaps the blood of a co-worker. “Send brie!” That was one of them. The government and the police are paralysed. They have now cordoned off the entire financial district and left it as a kind of abode of anarchy, a fearful pit of hell where rival gangs of former traders fight for control of streets once paved with money. It’s like Escape from Absolom meets 28 Days meets You’ve Got Mail, and I need 12 million to make it. Call me on my cell.

The Economy: Killing in the Name Of

The economic crisis is beginning to bite very deep, with many lower-income people losing their homes, and many wealthy people having to switch to store-brand gouda. It is true that few experts predicted the impact of speculation in mortgage-backed derivatives and its effect on the banking system. I was one who did, and as proof I’d like to point you towards my 2003 white-paper: Speculation in Mortgage-backed Derivatives: How It Will Make Us Rich As Popes. What most people fail to understand is the way that our modern economy obeys the law of the jungle. It’s something that the world famous economist Elton John called ‘The Circle of Life’. When he wrote …

It's the Circle of Life
And it moves us all
Through despair and hope
Through faith and love
Til we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the Circle The Circle of Life

[John, E. Rice T—1999, Warner Music] … he was both foreshadowing today’s crisis, and pointing out how it is just the natural order of things. Many of you probably misunderstand the law of the jungle. You think it means kill or be killed, but killing isn’t always necessary; sometimes it is best to badly injure your prey so that it can be used as bait. Also, it is very important when you sit down to a lavish feast to consume as much as you possibly can in one sitting, even if it’s too much and others are hungry. Also, never sleep, because if you get up in the night to eat leftovers you might have to fight a rodent for it. These are all laws of the jungle.

http://www.newscientist.com/channel/life/dn13671-evolution-myths-survival-of-the-fittest-justifies-everyone-for-themselves.html

A Plethora of Myriad Contrasts

One of the reasons I haven’t been updating this site a lot is that I’ve been travelling in Asia. Asia is a plethora of myriad contrasts, with sumptuous ruins, and endless silken beaches where the hand of man has never set foot, and a range of prostitutional services at prices that the everyman, or everywoman, can afford. There are sights there that beg the heart to soar, and I witnessed them each briefly. In conclusion: Asia is a plethora of myriad contrasts.

Here is my new travelog:

http://landsofcontrast.wordpress.com

The Secret

In the global economic crisis there is one question on everybody's mind: will I have to start making my own shoes out of muesli. It is clear that hippies are in possession of a great amount of knowledge for living in an advanced state of awesomeness, because just ask them. I don’t know whether they think I’m one of them, or that I’m someone they can ‘groove’ with, or that I seem empathetic (or a similar but shorter word,) but the hippies I have met have always felt like they can reveal their secret methods to me. This is an example of some of the incredible secrets they have chosen to bless me with:

- My mind is infinite. Anything I believe can happen.
- I age because I believe I age.
- If I stop using chemicals on my body my skin’s oils will find their own natural balance and I won’t need soaps and shampoos any more.
- Yoga can unlock a powerful cobra that lives within my spine.
- A person who lives on a strictly vegan diet will have so much more energy and vitality than someone who eats meat.
- Cannabis Sativa is a miraculous vegetable that can unlock our true potential.
- I don’t need coffee in the morning, I should just eat an apple.
- Felafel is a miracle food.

There were many more secrets, but I wouldn’t want to blow your mind. You would expect that members of the Hippy Nation, knowing all this, would be wise, benevolent, and glowing with a pure and cosmic energy. So why are they smelly, malnourished and angry. How can ten years of yoga give someone the disposition of Joseph Stalin? How can an organic vegan diet make it look like you’ve just spent a month on a raft in the Atlantic? Well, there are a number of possibilities:

1. They are like the Jedi or the Dalai Lama: bound to use their powers not for personal interest, but when the universe is truly in danger.
2. They use their powers only in secret. The rest of the time they throw us off the scent by assuming a shabby alter-ego.
3. They are full of shit.

http://www.forteantimes.com/features/articles/814/a_saucerful_of_secrets.html

http://www.cobdo.org.uk/

Simple living # 81: How to Write the Next Walden

You will need:
Pen
Paper
A hut

In the future it will be important to learn to enjoy the silence and solitude that has been cruelly thrust upon us. In 1854, Henry David Thoreau spent a year in a self-built hut beside Walden Pond near Massachusetts. His experiences formed the basis for Walden, one of the great novels about living a simple life of self-sufficiency. Here’s an excerpt:

“Occasionally, after my hoeing" (consorting with prostitutes) "was done for the day, I joined some impatient companion who had been fishing on the pond since morning … There was one older man, an excellent fisher and skilled in all kinds of woodcraft, who was pleased to look upon my house as a building erected for the convenience of fishermen; and I was equally pleased when he sat in my doorway to arrange his lines .” (Cocaine or "snuff".)

Maybe you could write your own great novel about your experiences with self-sufficiency. I’ve started mine. It’s called Walden II: On Walden Pond. Here’s an excerpt:

“Went fishing today. The water gleamed with rainbow sparks like the haunch of a great trout. I sat there for hours, many fish broke the surface, mocking me, but none took my line. So I took a stick of dynamite and that night I had a mighty feast.”

Coffee—A Writer's Friend

Coffee:

• A miracle beverage.
• Enjoyed by cowboys
• Discovered by goats

Factoid: Both the American Revolution and the French Revolution were devised in coffee houses.

Factoid: Cowboys made coffee by putting ground beans into a sock and immersing it in cold water before heating it gently over a campfire. When ready, they would pour the coffee into tin cups and drink it. This would put them in the “angry" mood.

Factoid: Although cocaine and opium have long been associated with some of our greatest works of art and literature, coffee has given us such masterpieces as Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony, Flaubert’s Madam Bovary, and Danza's Who’s The Boss?

Factoid: Coffee has been used as a beverage for over 700 years, and just look what we've invented.

Factoid: Coffee is the second most traded product in the world after petroleum.

Factoid: Coffee was discovered by goats.

If you've ever wondered how much coffee it would take to kill you, you can find out here:

http://www.energyfiend.com/death-by-caffeine

Words of Faith

The Story of Little Beck-Beck.

The story of little Becky can teach us all a little something about something. Becky was a child from a poor, isolated rural family. Becky's only friends were a piece of coal—Lloyd—and an old, discarded metal leg-brace—Rusty. Rusty had seen the polio outbreak of ‘42. Some say Rusty had seen too much. But Becky was a happy child—giddy, at times—until the fateful day she was crushed by angry livestock while playing in the hallway of an abattoir. As Becky (Beck-Beck to her partially retarded brother Ian) lay crushed, she saw a magnificent vision, an angel in the sky, who came down and said “Don’t worry, child. Everything will be fine … ish.” Beck-Becks was crippled from the hair down, but she didn’t let it dampen her spirits. She died though, but her memory and her spirit live on in this passive-aggressive memo. The bottom line is that you need to send this message to exactly 37 friends. Then you too will receive a visit from the blessed spirit of our Lord, just as tiny Beck Beck did, as she lay in Ian's arms, in turn cradling little Rusty, and little Lloyd, in that lonely, fiery hallway. If you do, great luck will come your way. You will receive a large amount of East European currency—unmarked bills. An advanced robot prostitute will visit your house (on the down-low, too, so if anyone comes in he’ll pretend to be your physical therapist.) There are other things, I can’t think of them at the moment. If you do not forward this message the most frightful abominations will visit you. I can’t even … they’re just … I can’t even talk about them they’re so horrible. They involve cats, ok, dozens and dozens of cats. In conclusion: your happiness in this vast, complex universe in which we live has come down to a simple choice: whether you decide to forward an email message to all your friends, or not. The choice is yours. Isn’t god mysterious?

http://www.silcom.com/~barnowl/chain-letter/evolution.html

The Knowledge

How to do a Village Fair

In our fast-paced world it is easy to feel isolated and stupid. If you want to bring the spirit of togetherfullness back into your community, why not organize an olde-fashioned village fair. Keep it traditional with a hall o’ mirror, haunted yard, drinking stool, coconut gallery, and porno-tent. Make the activities fun and medieval: catapault rides, kiddie cage-fights, and such-and-such. The possibilities are endless. To create your village fair you will need:

String
Rope
Twine
Canvas
4 Household sheets (non-fitted)
Several sturdy tables
Various “carny” types
Some medium-weight ballbearings

Assemble your carnies, they’ll know what to do.

http://www.diary-of-a-carny.blogspot.com/

Power Talk!

Real Ultimate Power

Hey, you made it, congratulations. Just by reading this you’ve taken the first steps towards real, ultimate power. You know, it always amazes me, in my brain, as I travel around the world lecturing people about the way to Real Ultimate Power, how we are so often willing to settle for second-best. Don’t we want everything we’ve ever dreamed of ? Don’t we want to wake up every morning and feel juiced to be alive!? People just don't realise that by simply invoking my patented triple-threat success matrix—Act—Reap—Smoke—they can have ultimate power not only over themselves, but also over others. Imagine being able to control your family, friends and loved ones just by using my patented Advanced Control Techniques. Imagine being able to work your boss or your co-worker like some kind of stupid puppet, just by using my simple method of Rhythmic Eyebrow Hypnosis, or R.E.H. It doesn’t stop there. My Neuro Erotic Manipulation tools can give you the power to wield your awesome raw sexuality over every half-blitzed strumpet that falls across your path. Don’t you want real power and control? Don’t you want monuments built to celebrate your awesome power? Like, I don’t know, you standing with one foot on a globe, or maybe you’re screwing the hell out of the globe. I don’t know, I’m not an artist, I’m a changepreneur. Who wouldn’t choose this kind of ultimate power, the power to crush nations and to rule all, to bring death in the night like a shadowy hawk, if they new it was right there at their finger-tips? Well, surprisingly, MOST PEOPLE! Most people just do not realise that the difference between an average life and an awesome life of Ultimate Power comes down to just a few simple choices. Now YOU know. You’ve taken the first step towards a life of power.

Congratulations.

Know Your Popular Music

It's been 30 years since Don Henley sat down in a room with his band-mates, their manager, and Satan, and said "I want to do something BIG." Since then, the song Hotel California has transcended mere pop-song status to become a folk-song—a kind of "broadside ballad"—that generations long into the future will associate with our age and with our daily rituals. Is Hotel California the Greensleeves for our time? No, that's stupid, but the lyric does deserve closer critical analysis.

http://suddainfeatures.blogspot.com/

Learning About … Karate

Karate or karate-do is a martial art incorporating indigenous Ryukyuan fighting techniques, Chinese kempo and concepts from classical Japanese microwave cookery (whereby a combatants internal organs are cooked in under a minute using the mind.) "Karate" originally meant “Chinese hand,” but was later changed to "empty hand" before a committee finally settled on “What hand?” “Hand of justice” was also considered. It is a striking art, (not “striking” as in “doesn’t she have a striking face?” Actually, a karate expert can use his face to strike an opponent. It’s complicated.) The art features punching, kicking, knee/elbow strikes and open-handed techniques (like going “Hey, no, I don’t want any troub—WA-CHAH!”) Grappling, joint manipulations, locks, restraint, throws and vital point striking also feature in karate. A practitioner of karate is called a “karateka” or “Sir.”

http://www.authorhouse.com/BookStore/ItemDetail~bookid~34302.aspx